A sex therapist has issued a frank reminder to couples and individuals who feel stuck in their sex lives: stop trying to guess what should be happening in bed, and start paying attention to what you actually want — and what is really going on with your partner.
Working with clients who “aren’t having the kind of pleasure they want”, the therapist says the most common patterns are not about technique, but about avoidance, shame, pressure, unrealistic expectations and poor communication. In her practice, she has identified seven recurring lessons she believes can help people “break free, improve their sex lives and experience more joy and pleasure”.
Avoidance is rarely just awkwardness
She says it is “so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex”, and that the reasons are often deeper than people assume. In many cases, clients do not even stop to examine what sits underneath the discomfort.
At the centre, she says, is often a fear the individual has catastrophised — an unconscious belief that talking about sex might confirm a devastating truth. That can include worries that a partner is fantasising about someone else, or that other people are “far more competent in the bedroom” than they are. The therapist stresses that these fears are “rarely the reality”.
To illustrate how those assumptions play out, she describes a typical exchange with clients who have experienced major life changes such as childbirth.
A client may say, “I think he really doesn’t find me attractive since I’ve given birth” and my response is, “OK, but what makes you think that? Have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?”
Her central instruction is direct: if she could give only one piece of advice, it would be to “let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what’s really going on with your partner.”
Unconscious shame can switch off desire
The therapist says individuals “often carry unconscious shame”, which can strongly shape desire and intimacy. Shame can be rooted in negative sexual experiences, but it can also be traced back to childhood — and may have started with messages that were not explicitly about sex at all.
One example she gives is of a child who learnt to feel ashamed of their own needs, and to suppress them in order to prioritise other people’s. In adulthood, that can translate into a sexual dynamic where someone focuses entirely on their partner while “totally disconnect[ing] from their own pleasure and enjoyment”.
In therapy, she links this to “conditions of worth”: the belief that we are worthy only when we meet certain conditions. She argues that unpicking those conditions can open the door to “far greater passion”.
A mismatch in libido doesn’t have to be permanent
Differences in sex drive are common, she says, but not necessarily fixed. She points to “great potential for sex drives to become more in sync”, and recommends a “playful erotic exercise” for couples: “show and tell”, where partners demonstrate what they like through self-pleasure.
Couples often find this “game-changing” in boosting desire and libido, she says.
She adds that orgasm patterns can also become rigid, with people believing there is only one way their body works. Her suggestion is to slow down, focus on senses and explore touch, because it is possible to discover new routes to orgasm.
Reclaiming sexual identity can be empowering
The therapist describes the case of “a recently divorced woman in her 50s” who arrived feeling “lost in her sexual self”. After spending “more than half her life” as a wife and mother, the client wanted to explore “a new form of relationship and sexual adventure” but felt she had no roadmap.
Through work on self-pleasure and learning her body’s responses, the woman discovered “a new fantasy life”, centred on being dominant rather than submitting. The therapist says the client moved from low confidence and self-worth to “loving her body and feeling empowered about having choices”, and was reminded that “her relationships, and her life, were in her control.”
Pressure to “achieve” can derail sex
The therapist warns that goal-orientated thinking can “really diminish sex”. She says it is often visible among clients trying to conceive, where the pressure of timing can contribute to difficulty maintaining an erection. But she stresses that performance pressure can cause psychosexual difficulties in many other contexts too.
People dealing with vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, and delayed, early or absent ejaculation frequently carry intense pressure — from partners, social norms or themselves, she says.
She argues that people would be less fixated on sexual “goals” if they understood the wide range in sexual experience and knowledge. Some women do not know their own genitals, she says. Some married couples have never had sex. Some men “do not know how to perform penetration”. In one striking example, she says she has worked with couples who sought medical help for fertility struggles, but it emerged in therapy that penetration was not occurring at all.
In her view, “little to no sexual experience is far more common than many would assume.”
Spontaneity is overrated — planning can build desire
Many people expect sex to be entirely spontaneous, frequent and unpredictable, the therapist says. But for most, “life gets in the way”. That expectation also discourages conversations about sex beforehand, because couples assume they should simply be aligned and instinctively know what the other wants.
She calls that unrealistic — and says planning can be “extremely sexy and erotic”.
‘PLANNING SEX CAN BE EXTREMELY SEXY AND EROTIC – COMMUNICATING ABOUT THE WHERE AND THE WHEN CAN BUILD AROUSAL’
She argues that planning also reduces the sting of rejection: deciding in advance not to have sex can feel better than one partner initiating only to be turned away.
She describes planning as “transformative” for a couple in their 30s facing serious health challenges. The woman had MS, the man had painful arthritic hips, and attempts at sex often led to pain and days of recovery, turning intimacy into something “tense and sad”. Therapy began with non-penetrative exercises to rebuild connection, followed by careful consideration of their bodies, experimenting with different positions and using supportive cushions. The couple, she says, were “delighted to be able to be intimate in new ways.”
Authenticity, not appearance, underpins connection
The therapist says body insecurity is widespread, affecting “both women and men”. Many worry about looks, appearance or being “enough” for their partner.
Her rebuttal is that satisfying sexual connection is not built on looks, but on “feelings — genuine and authentic feelings”. “Authenticity is the antidote to shame and insecurity and the key to intimacy,” she says.
To help shift couples away from performance and towards connection, she sometimes gives “sex homework” — journalling, self-exploration, whole-body massage — and one classic task: temporarily avoiding penetration.
By removing a perceived endpoint, she says, couples can focus more on sensations and emotions. Even for long-term partners, she says, that alone can be transformative.
