I’m one person who loves things and you all know me for my lavish and flamboyant life. I have been to many places and I have enjoyed most of what you mere mortals do not even dare dream of. I have been criticised but that did not deter me for I know what I want and when I want it I make sure I get it.
So what if I use my money to buy everything? Go and make your own money first then come back and talk to me. So what if what I wanted and got happens to be a qualification that has been shot down? Well, go on and get the certified certificates, but at the end of the day you will still come knocking on my door begging for employment. So who is the top dog after all?
My haters tried to pull me down saying that I do not have the brains and credentials to lead a pack of mostly uneducated fellows who live by their legs.
Some of you even circulated a video in which I allegedly committed a crime by repeatedly saying obscene stuff to some upstart wannabe journalist from a pirate radio station after he ended up making me mad.
These unpatriotic zvimbwasungata will do anything to get a pat on the head from their white masters, I tell you. But we are not afraid of that because here we rule.
I know that my move to sack that guy for demanding his dues has made me the most hated man at the moment.
But fortunately this is a beautiful country unlike those unmentionable ones where mass murderers, serial killers and assassins lurk behind every bush.
Otherwise my fun-loving kids (the ones from the marital bed that is) would have to go into hiding to avoid people getting to me through them. What? It is none of your business whether my child is still selling adult toys now that she is Mrs Somebody.
And it is none of your business if I am looking after all my kids from the wrong side of the blanket begotten with silly girls who spoiled their youth for the love of money.
Is there something in the air? It looks like there is a pandemic of preying on married women sweeping the land. Okay, it is not really a new story.
Remember that peripheral musician who apparently decided to eat the fruit that the more popular musician was leaving at home while searching for other fruits on the market?
Then the story had to break into the public eye just as the popular musician released his album which coincidentally features music about betrayal.
But this past week things seem to have gotten out of hand.
One now understands the dangers of going for other people’s territories; those are dangerous waters, comrades. It looks like there is no class distinction when it comes to failing to resist the temptation of the forbidden fruit.
Everyone gives in to the inclinations of the flesh in the end. You can call it good deeds misunderstood or simply acknowledge that it is adultery exposed, but the fact remains the same; men in Harare seem to have discovered the delights of married women.
We have taken a poll at the usual place to find out what the attraction is because as far as we are concerned there are more than enough single women out there to satisfy the most randy satyrs.
What came out is that married women are 10 times better than single small houses in every way:
1) She will not bother you at odd hours because her own husband will be by her side
2) She is likely to be faithful to you and her husband, unlike single small houses who dish it all over the place
3) She cannot make too many financial demands because she will not be able to explain any sudden affluence to her spouse
4) Best of all, if she falls pregnant there is a resident fall guy right in her bed and you do not have to worry about being sued for maintenance
5) She is usually starved of the stuff that matters so whenever she sees you, she is ready for business and knows that time is precious.
6) She will not cost you through fancy outings as she is afraid of bumping into people who know her while in your company
7) She will not demand that you spend the night because she is also afraid of getting caught
8) She does not expect you to look after her brats
9) You do not have to look after her relatives because she cannot tell them of her relationship with you
10) She will not cause a scene even if she sees you with another woman, unless she is mad in which case you should not be involved with her in the first place.
So now you know why we will keep on hearing more and more stories about men caught in the act with somebody’s wife.
Scrap yard jamboree
It looks like pretty soon our congested roads are going to be clear after all. Because if only roadworthy vehicles are going to be able to move around without the owners having to pay an arm, a leg and a head as well to the traffic cops, then very few automobiles are going to be rolling around, we assure you. In fact we know that it will be cheaper to consign some vehicles to the junk yard than to rehabilitate them. Think of all those ramshackle vehicles performing Transporter-like daredevil stunts in the CBD.
We hear that car breakers, tyre dealers and those in the business of selling and fitting fire extinguishers have declared 2015 a year of raining blessings. But as usual we know who has the biggest reason to celebrate. We will bet our last drink that next year at this time we will still have the same number -if not more, of defective vehicles happily stuttering and breaking down on our roads. But millions of rands will have changed hands and just a fraction of the money will be officially recorded in fine ticket books.
Cheating: 6 and 9
In empathy with all regulars cheating on their spouses, we let you know that the partner you are tired of is really hot to those around you.
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband’s friend when the telephone rang.
After hanging up, she says, ‘’That was Suffo, but don’t worry — he won’t be home for a while. He’s having a drink with you.’’