It’s in your head, and it’s starting a stir below the belt, but that’s the extent of it. Sometimes you share it. Sometimes you act on it. But without fail, you will have it. I’m talking about a sexual fantasy. Men love them and they will never give them up, but sometimes, they’re not quite ready to articulate them because they’re conflicted about what turns them on and how they feel about it. Relax. You’re good. It’s all good. Boys will be boys, so don’t sweat it.
Men love to take charge, and sometimes you just don’t get enough opportunity in the real world. Bedroom fantasies where you’re king of your castle and commander in chief of all that goes down between the sheets are a great way to offset any disappointments in real life and hedge against anger at being dominated from nine to five.
A little rough sex after hours, or some domination with silky ties for blindfolds or fuzzy handcuffs for light bondage will do the trick for most guys. When you have a base need, like wanting to be on top — literally and figuratively — fantasies where you’re dominating will be common. In addition, there’s the taboo of knowing that overcoming someone else sexually is edgy, and that’s part of why it brings a thrill. In real life, sex that culminates in playing out these fantasies with a willing partner can lead to a good time in fulfilling these feelings of wanting to dominate sexually.
On the other end of the spectrum are men who fantasize about being dominated. Men fantasize about feeling sexually dominated when they’re tired of doing the dominating themselves, and they have mixed feelings about what they’re doing in that domination where they’re on top — whether it’s in the bedroom or the board room. Men are expected to become presidents, owners and entrepreneurs where they lead and conquer in business. This isn’t always a comfortable path, but most men don’t talk about that inner conflict.
They just put their heads down and do their jobs. However, those feelings of discomfort and quiet anxiety about what they’re doing and how they’re living their lives don’t disappear. They become suppressed. Many men are not conscious of this deep inner turmoil in a way that they can articulate. They just know they fantasize about being dominated in bed to relieve themselves of guilt for doing the dominating in “real life” and being dominated in bed also makes them feel that the power play they win in the real world is being justified by their domination privately.
When they’re in personal, romantic relationships, they sometimes feel uncomfortable about expressing these feelings to their partners because it breaks the pattern they’ve had that seems to work for the couple. That’s why you’ll sometimes see men who want to be dominated go outside their primary relationship to act out this fantasy.
3. Threesomes & Orgies
Men fantasize about having threesomes, foursomes and more because they want the purely sexual experience that is more animal than it is relational. There’s implied monogamy in most relationships, but threesomes and orgies open up that monogamous relationship to allow sex with others and at the same time, close out the personal feelings you have about a long-term partner.
Feelings about the future and commitment aren’t usually present in these sexual fantasies, or the real life culminations of them. It’s really all about the sex with multiple partners, simultaneously. In real life, sometimes men feel that they want a threesome rather than foursome or more, because they can control the relationships outside of the bedroom after the sex act is completed.
I hear from my readers who go beyond their threesome fantasies into real life threesomes that the relationships that derive from threesomes often lead to breakups of the original couple. This is one fantasy that doesn’t usually work in real life, long term; it’s a great fantasy, but a not-so-great experience if you’re married or in a committed relationship.
4. Experienced Women
Straight men often fantasize about sex with an older woman who knows her body so well that the sex is incredible because of her ease and absence of inhibition. Women who’ve gained experience over the years also tend to know a man’s body better than younger women do. There isn’t the same pressure to get married or define the relationship and that makes the sex carefree and unencumbered, and she appreciates a man’s body more because of his youth — and sees the big picture, not just a little love handle situation going on, that younger women with “standards” might scoff at. The older woman usually has her own money and a nicer place than younger women — or even the guy doing the fantasizing — so being wined and dined and whisked up to a private penthouse love shacks is part of the fantasy fun. This is a fantasy that’s about sex and luxury with no strings attached.
5. Virginal Women
The first time is iconic. And because it happens once and only once, it’s valuable. It’s even written about in the Bible. Religious zealots really like virgins, too! And yet, here we are in modern times, not religious zealots, and with decades of sexual liberation across so many fronts, and to this day there remains a mystique about men and women who haven’t had their first time yet. Those who hold the V card hold the object of sexual fantasy. Men fantasize about taking virginity and teaching a student about sex because it puts them in a position of power and on the pedestal to receive adoration. This hand in hand taking and teaching is an attractive and crucial aspect of the virgin sex fantasy. The men who fantasize about sex with virgins don’t just fantasize about that first time. They see themselves teaching the virgin in the ways of sex. It’s not just a way for these guys to get turned on but to approach feelings of wanting to be needed and looked up to by a student who is adoring.
6. Unattainable Women
Let’s call them the cheerleader, the nurse and the librarian. Men fantasize about what they can’t have. The fantasies make them feel better because in those daydreams they fix the problem of unattainability.
Those women who are off-limits are theirs for the taking in the fantasies. And the most common are the coveted, pristine and aloof cheerleaders, nurses and librarians who are just out of reach of most men — which is exactly why they’re great fodder for sexual fantasies. They’re almost like the Madonna in the Madonna and the whore complex. That’s why it should come as no surprise that the most popular Halloween costumes are sexy cheerleaders, sexy nurses and sexy librarians who all have sexual alter egos behind the chaste-like uniforms.
The don’t-touch-me clothing that the cheerleader, nurse and librarian (who are all seen as hyper-focused on doing their jobs helping others and are seemingly so busy that they don’t have time to be sexual) wear helps spawn the fantasies. In the fantasies, men are the ones who turn them on and turn them out.
Men like to watch. They’re naturally visual — often more so than women. This makes porn a huge hit with men, while more women will prefer novels like Fifty Shades of Grey, which provide a different type of fantasy stimulus. Voyeurism also makes fantasies about watching sex enjoyable for men.
Sometimes the fantasies involve watching one’s self have sex (mirrors in the bedroom provide a big boost for this fantasy), and sometimes it’s about watching someone you think is hot, or you’re involved with, having sex with someone else. Staying distanced gives the fantasy a feeling of control over the situation. It also helps guys who want to know more about sex learn. Of course, sometimes the fantasies include simply watching. And others times, the fantasies involve joining in after things heat up.
8. Sex In Public
One of the most common male fantasies is about having sex in public places, unnoticed by others. The idea of doing something wrong and getting away with it is what fuels this fantasy. That the “something wrong” is sex makes the fantasy that much hotter. You can wear suggestive clothing, make out for days on the street corner and even do some mild groping in public, but if you perform a sex act in public and you get caught, you’ll be in trouble with the law. So getting away with this isn’t just about breaking rules, it’s about breaking sexual taboos that are laws. You also need a partner who’s either as naughty as you are or is so swept up in the act she can’t stop.
Both are going to work just fine for your sexual fantasy because now you’re layering a great partner with getting away with a bad act. The trifecta is in place. This fantasy works for days for most men because they alternate public transportation with secluded corners of stores and alleys between buildings, making this fantasy one of the most versatile of them all. The mile high club is kind of old hat, as sexual fantasies go, and it’s become stale because people are doing it, not just fantasizing about it, on a pretty regular basis. This is going on in bathrooms, beneath blankets and in first-class sleeping accommodations. So while sex in planes isn’t as popular a fantasy as it once was, it still works in a pinch.
9. Sex In Nature
There’s something very basic and organic about having sex in a forest, on the beach, or in a field because you’re doing something natural in the most elemental place — in nature. And men who love nature will easily start fantasizing about having sex in the wild. It could be in a sleeping bag on a camping trip, or completely au naturel in the woods, on the beach or at the base of a mountain.
Another reason that this is a great fantasy is because it’s the exact opposite of clean and fresh sheets in a hotel room setting — which is one of a woman’s favorite places to have sex and therefore one of the most common places many men have sex. Being out in nature without fluffy towels and without even a mattress feels raw and primal, and that makes it hot.
10. Two Women
Men are fascinated by lesbians, especially those who are interested in making out and having sex with their wives and girlfriends. The idea of bringing a woman into the bedroom is a big fantasy for lots of men who are interested in what seems to be exotic, hot and forbidden.
Most men don’t have a lot of experiences with lesbians or lesbian sex, and they like the idea of it, if it’s not threatening to their masculinity or their relationship. Seeing their wife making out with and having sex with another woman — or seeing two women a guy is not involved with (whether or not he knows them) — is a huge turn-on. Many women won’t do this in real life, and so keeping this fantasy for his own is a great way for a guy to have the sexual experience as a fantasy, while keeping his real life relationship going without it. Limitations in the bedroom don’t have to thwart your imagination. Having these fantasies as your own private source of pleasure is a great way to be sexual and expand your sexual self.