How masturbati0n can kill you, You will never masturbat.e again


According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, by the age of seventeen, 80{1f0bb132e08ca1f8565add86e1f8740171c75f84ed80bad4a750114913f392ef} of males have shamed themselves and their families by masturbating (this number seems astonishingly low). That number lowers significantly, all the way to 58{1f0bb132e08ca1f8565add86e1f8740171c75f84ed80bad4a750114913f392ef}, when it comes to females. While masturbating can seem like a fairly innocuous activity and the safest (and loneliest) method of safe sex, it is not without its dangers. So read with us as we ruin your favorite hobby.

Fractured Penises

Contrary to many a euphemism, there is no bone in the penis, but it can, however, break. The penis has an inner core called “corpus cavernosum” that can fracture from Circque du Soleil type crazy sex (less feasible) and from vigorous masturbation (more feasible). All reports of this gruesome injury note that is more painful than sticking your finger into an active volcano. The penis actually bends and you urinate blood. Left untreated a penis fracture will heal, but it might result in permanent failure to achieve an erection and a deformed penis. That’s not even the worst part; most poor bastards who have had this happen to them report hearing a cracking sound at the moment of rupture.



Excessive masturbation or using things that aren’t really lubricants as lubricants, like liquid soap, lotions, sand paper, breast milk, etc, can lead to the tissue covering your perineum and scrotum becoming necrotic. This specific kind of gangrene is called Fournier’s gangrene (DO NOT Google that). It can lead to loss of the penis and even death. Treatment of penis gangrene is mostly done via skin grafts. This means, of course, that a doctor could replace the gangrenous skin on your penis with skin collected from your butt. Scientists call this a butt penis.

Internal Bleeding

A study by Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion found that 53{1f0bb132e08ca1f8565add86e1f8740171c75f84ed80bad4a750114913f392ef} of women use “toys” while masturbating. A woman’s deep lower abdomen is lined with iliac arteries. These arteries can rupture from blunt force trauma due to objects inserted in the vagina and, um, anus. A rupture of a iliac artery leads to severe bleeding and sharp vaginal pain. You can guess where we’re going this; be careful with your dildo.

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