No se_x, no problem — there are plenty of other ways to have an 0rgasm
Sure, some people wouldn't turn down an 0rgasm from penatrative se_x, but there are tons of other ways to get the job done — which is great news for the large part of the population who are unable to cl!max from penetration alone (not to mention those whose se_x lives don't involve men at all).
"The most valuable thing you can do is find ways to bring more cl!toral st!mulation into your se_x life," says se_x therapist Vanessa Marin, who is actually launching an online training program to teach women how to 0rgasm (bless her heart).
There is a universe of se__xual possibilities that some women never explore. Here are eight of the best ways to get started so you can get off without se_x.
1. Mas_turbate in front of one another
Instead of treating your partner like a machine whose job it is to give you an 0rgasm, heed the advice of Dr. Carlen Costa, a se_xologist and relationship expert from Canada, and change your attitude first. "You are supposed to own your 0rgasm," Dr. Carlen says.
And the number one way she suggests increasing your se_xual confidence and taking control over your 0rgasms is by partaking in a naughty bit of "adult show and tell" and mas_turbating in front of one another. Whether you choose to discuss in advance the fact that you're about to give your partner the thrill of their life or surprise them by letting them come home and "catch" you rubbing yourself on the Jennifer Convertible sofa, is entirely up to you. And though you may be tempted to let him jump in and finish the job, Dr. Carlen suggests restraining your passions and enforcing a "no touching" rule for as long as possible — which will only make things hotter.
2. Se_x toys
Se_x toys have come a long way since your mother's dildo (sorry, not a se_xy image). Marin suggests trying a couples' toy like the We-Vibe or, if you prefer going at it alone, the Eva by DAME products, which is an actual hands-free vibrator that st!mulates the cl!toris with zero effort — yay for that!
Kait Scalisi, a se_xual and reproductive health educator, writer and consultant, is also a huge fan of toys like the We-Vibe Touch, as well as G-Sp0t toy Je Joue Uma and ar0usal oils like ON Ar0usal Oil, which she says brings blood flow to the vag!nal area and makes it easier to become ar0used and achieve 0rgasm.
"I highly recommend all women have a high-quality lu_bricant," Scalisi said. "Water-based lu_bes like Sliquid Organics are great for toys while silicone-based lu_bes like the one by Pjur are better for !ntercourse, oral se_x and f!ngering. The amount of natural lu_bricant a woman produces is not indicative of her level of arousal as everything from stress to dehydration to medications can affect the body's ability to get we_t."
3. Direct st!mulation
Ugh, how many times have we been told the number one way for women to achieve 0rgasm is by getting oral se_x? It's as if some se_xperts have never been inside of the mind of a woman who has insecurities. Look, we're not saying to stop your partner when they want to go down on you because cunn!lingus can be one of the most pleasurable experiences on the planet. But so much attention has been put on oral se_x that Dr. Carlen says it's easy to forget that women don't always come this way.
"More women are more self-conscious when they have someone in between their legs," Dr. Carlen says. "They worry about what they taste or smell like. Instead, direct st!mulation is the number one way women 0rgasm."
Chances are, you are well versed on all things cl!toris and know both light touching and applying more pressure to this se_nsitive spot can result in 0rgasm. But Dr. Carlen reminds us to encourage our partners to explore the entire vag!na — including the labia and vulva, which has the second-most nerve endings after the cl!toris and the U-sp0t, the area on and around the u_rethra.
4. Dirty talk
The brain is our largest se_x organ and we're doing ourselves a huge disservice if we ignore this fact. It's completely possible to 0rgasm or get so worked up you could come in seconds without any physical contact at all by taking the time to engage in a little filthy talk before or even instead of se_x.
"You don't have to jump in with the dirtiest thing because it can come across as awkward or unauthentic," she says. Instead of whispering in his ear that you want to have an orgy with him and 15 members of a football team, Dr. Carlen says tried-and-true dirty talk includes saying things like "I love it when you do (fill in the blank)," and the universally hot, "Oh, baby, I'm coming."
And if you're feeling shy about it, the expert says a great way to build your se_xual confidence and test the waters is by se_xting your partner. Setting up a scenario via text like, "When you get home tonight (fill in the blank)" is a surefire way to fan the flames.
Nope, this isn't the name of a decadent dessert — it's something many of us probably did when we were teenagers. I'm talking about good ole dry humping, rubbing and grinding — the kind that takes place when both partners are either fully or partially dressed — or, oh what the hell, totally naked works too.
The beauty of frottage is that it's exciting because it's an unexpected thing to do with your partner when you're over the age of 21. There's no pressure to perform, no worries about birth control (assuming all of your clothing is on!) and a rare opportunity for both you and your partner to get off at the time from the very same act.
6. Ta_ntric se_x
If you haven't heard of the ancient Indian tradition of tantra, brace yourself: There are some fortunate individuals and couples out there who have tapped into se_xual energy in a way that can result in them having an 0rgasm within minutes — with absolutely no physical contact. But Patricia Johnson, who has 15 years of experience teaching tantra with her husband Mark A. Michaels and with whom she has written a book called Partners in Passion: A Guide to Great Se_x, Emotional Intimacy and Long-Term Love, says anyone can learn how to channel that energy we all have into a powerful 0rgasm.
"First of all, imagination is the key," Johnson said. "Studies show that 0rgasm actually originates in the brain, so attitude matters more than technique. Imagine that you're having an 0rgasm and that will get you on the road to the real thing. Tantra is more about attitude than a particular skill or past experience."
7. Brea_st 0rgasms
We pay so much attention to how our brea$ts look that some of us forget these babies are not only lovely, but — regardless of our cup size — functional and one of our very best friends when it comes to 0rgasm. Our breasts actually swell up to 25 percent when we feel aroused and even change color, according to Dr. Carlen. When our partner st!mulates our nipp_les by licking, massaging or even tapping them rhythmically, it can have the same exciting effect on our brain as cl!toral and vag!nal st~!mulation.
8. Spa_nking/role playing/BDSM
Big fan of Fifty Shades? If you've been wondering how it feels to get spanked or act out your submissive fantas!es, Scalisi highly recommends that women fill out a yes/no/maybe list of options that exist in order to get ideas about what they could do in the bedroom and decide if it's right for them. Thanks to Christian Grey, Scalisi says there's never been an easier time to broach this topic with a partner.