1. Is this how dogs feel? No wonder they don’t look super psyched when I see them doing this in the park.
2. Does he think I’m a dog? Like, is he imagining dogs? Or is he imagining me dressed up as a dog? Honestly, I’d make a really cute looking dog.
3. Focus or you’ll fall. This must be what circus performers feel like when they’re on a high beam. This is like the high beam of sex.
4. My boobs look weird like this. God they really are bouncing a ton and he can’t even see it. What a waste of a perfectly good boob bounce.
5. I wish I had a vibrator. Nonstop penetration is cool but I do have a clit and it’d be cool to involve that at some point.
6. What was that noise my body just made? Was that a gurgle? Can a vagina gurgle?
7. I can’t really breathe. This isn’t exactly a yoga pose. Is there a way to do this so I can lie down? Oh, that’s a completely other position. I see.
8. I hope my head doesn’t hit the headboard. I’m pretty sure Excedrin doesn’t make a “Doggie style sex injury headache medicine” so keep your shit safe.
9. He really needs to dust more. Dusting is a lost art. Does anyone dust anymore?
10. My arms are killing me. I really should be doing more planks. Wait, does this count as a workout? It’d be cool to not have to go to Beyonce Yoga Dance Blast tonight.
11. Are his eyes closed or open right now? Just trying to get a visual.
12. Should I thrust back more? Or will that throw off the rhythm? Ugh, now we’re out of sync.
13. Is that my cervix? Please stop hitting my cervix.
14. I wish he didn’t put a mirror right there, wait, is that mirror there on purpose? Perhaps this killer boob bounce wasn’t wasted after all.
15. Now would be a good time to practice your reach-around, bro. Just give it a whirl. Even if it fails, at least I won’t feel like you’ve left me hanging, which I currently do.
16. Holy shit, that made all the difference. Aaaand I’m coming.