SHOCKING: Here's how much sex people are having out there


Despite the ladies from mega '90s girl band Salt-N-Pepa encouraging us to talk about sex all those years ago, it seems most of us still stress about what happens in the bedroom.
So we rounded up a few sex therapists to answer the most common questions they get asked.
Below are answers to some of these burning questions.

How much sex are other couples having?

"People's sex lives ebb and flow around life circumstances, like work, children or illness. The amount of sex a couple has dropped off after the 'honeymoon period' (anywhere from six months to two years). A recent Australian study revealed that couples in long-term relationships were having sex about 3.5 times a month, and a global study found that long-term couples have sex twice a month." – Tanya Koens, sexologist.

My partner watches a lot of porn – am I not enough for him?

"There are many reasons why a man might watch porn – he finds it arousing, he's curious, he uses it to get off or just because he can. You need to determine if the amount of porn he's watching harms your relationship and if he's using it as a replacement for having sex with you. If not, don't stress; he can watch all the porn he wants, as long as it's you he's coming home to. If you think he has an addiction, you need to go about it carefully. Make sure you don't accuse or scold and be very cautious about using the word 'addiction' as this is a sensitive topic. You need to help him see it's a problem before you try and solve it or seek professional help." – Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist.

How can I ask for what I really want?

"The best time to tell your partner how you prefer to be pleasured is when it's happening. Say, 'I love the way you do that, especially when you go slower/faster, or whatever it is that you prefer. We all feel vulnerable about our sexual performance, so always frame things positively. Ask your partner to touch your genitals and tell him what feels good as he's exploring you. Most men want to find out what works for you, and they appreciate knowing what they're doing right and how to do it better." – Kim Gillespie, sex and life coach.

It is okay to masturbate if I'm in a relationship?

"We all have varying sexual requirements. One partner may want sex every day, and the other person may want it once or twice a week, so it makes sense for the first partner to self-pleasure. It's also healthy to masturbate to know your own body and what stimulates it, and understand how to respond to your own pleasuring. That way, when you're with your partner, you can guide them to hit spots that they may not otherwise think to do." – Pauline Ryeland, intimacy and sexuality coach.

Should we get a vibrator?

"Men and women shouldn't be embarrassed to bring sex toys into the bedroom for both solo play and sex with a partner. Look for toys from reputable companies that are body-safe and made from 100 percent silicone, 100 percent elastomer or food-grade vinyl. A great option for couples is the We-Vibe 3, the most popular couple's vibrator, which is worn while making love to provide intense pleasure for both you and him. The only downside of frequent vibrator use is that because your orgasms come so quickly, you may lose patience with your partner. Mix up your masturbation routine to teach your body new tricks." – Dr Trina Read, author and sexologist.

Should I be worried about my low libido?

"If you're one of the tens of thousands of women who feel like they have a low desire for sex, you are not alone, and it's not always a problem unless it is a problem for you. Ask yourself, 'Why do I want to change this?' Be willing to let any answer be present without judging it. Finding out what your motivations for sex are can be a key to unlocking the desires (or lack thereof). Being depressed, stressed or experiencing hormonal fluctuations can all affect our libido. Fluctuations in libido are natural – sometimes they are a sign we need some downtime, sometimes they're a sign that we're fine!" – Cyndi Darnell, sex therapist and educator.

Why can't I orgasm during sex?

"Although reaching orgasm does come naturally for some women, it requires just the right amount of tension and relaxation. Hormones, past sexual experiences, and not spending enough time 'warming up' can hamper the process. Try to relax. If you're trying too hard, it's less likely to happen. Let go of the goal of reaching orgasm and focus on enjoying the moment. Orgasms come in many different forms, and women climax in various ways, so don't necessarily expect to be screaming the house down every time. Explore what you enjoy by yourself and with your partner. For many women, clitoral stimulation (especially with a vibrator) is the easiest way to reach orgasm." – Isiah McKimmie, somatic sex therapist.


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