Tapping deep into a woman's sexual fantasies could turn "regular" sex into more interesting sex, and may even lead to unforgettable sex. But like sex itself, people don't talk about their fantasies much. The best-kept secret these days is that many women, especially successful ones, say they fantasise about being sexually dominated.
Successful, accomplished women being controlled in bed by men is the new sexual taboo. It's like anal sex was in the Nineties; something people wanted to try, but didn't exactly discuss at cocktail parties. ("Hi Sue; so how's the anal going?" "Great, Bob! My husband is really learning how to get it in there.") Originally published in the February 2014 issue of British GQ.
WOMEN'S NUMBER-ONE FANTASY: HAVING SEX WITH AN ALPHA MALE
The reason the erotic fiction trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey sold more than 700 million copies worldwide is because the romantic lead of the story is young, handsome, powerful and super-rich. And, like erotic fiction's shyer cousin, the romance novel, the story often has the same formula: the young innocent girl meets a fabulous alpha male out of her league, who could have anyone he wants. But he picks her instead.
Alpha males could be celebrities, sport stars, pop stars, rock stars, television or movie stars. It's anthropological; the more rich and famous you are, the more people want to breed with you. And you get all the bitches.
RUNNER UP: BEING DOMINATED/ DOMINATING
Fantasies are fluid, and a 35-year-old alpha female New York City lawyer friend of mine recently told me: "I cringe when a man tells me what to do on a daily basis, but I really like that in bed. I like him to completely take over. My fantasies have changed. In my twenties, I really wanted to dominate guys; tie them up, blindfold them, "torture" them, that kind of stuff. Because I felt sort of powerless. But now that I'm a full partner in a law firm, I want to be dominated by a powerful man. I like feeling innocent and vulnerable."
Cleis Press, a San Francisco publisher of erotic fiction (examples pictured), says that the number of bondage novels being bought by women is divided equally between those with dominant female characters, and submissive ones. If you can figure out what a woman wants in bed, you can play the role, and satisfy her deepest fantasies. Then you will be da man.
THE HOT LIST
Sex therapists often give couples exploring their fantasies a "worksheet" to fill out where each person makes a list of sexual activities they do and don't want to do. Put the activities into three categories: "Yes", "Maybe", and "Hell no!" So,"Light spanking", yes. "Hard spanking", maybe. And "Giant rubber fist up my ass"… yes, well.
The more extreme your fantasies, the more you discuss them. It's also good to research some techniques, especially the kinkier you get. "When I first realised I was interested in doing bondage and submission, I watched videos on kink.com," says a female friend who had been "vanilla".
PORN TO BE WILD
Erika Lust is a Swedish feminist filmmaker who makes erotic movies that focus on women's pleasure, rather than the male-created porn movie formula that, she says, always ends the same way – "with ejaculation on the woman's face". Lust's movies cater to women's fantasies while the men join in for all the fun. Her latest project is making short films about people sharing their secret sex fantasies and sexual experiences.
Among the stories sent in for short-film content was a woman being tied up and masturbating with a vibrator while her boyfriend watches, another "pegging" her boyfriend with a dildo, and one entitled "Sit down, shut up, and watch", which involves voyeurism, a huge female fantasy.
The top six fantasies Lust has received from female confessions are: having an affair, role play, BDSM, sex with a taboo partner (boss, employee, professor, in-law, etc), sex with another woman, and group sex with three or more people. The moral of the story is that being a participant in a woman's sexual fantasies could result in having group sex.